Parents Are To Protect Their Children.

Our children need to be protected from bad influences, dangerous relationships/associations and wicked people who are bent on exploiting their innocence. In this present times parents need to be alert to inherent dangers in our society, they need to be able to anticipate situations that could cause problems and take necessary precautions to avert it. For example, working parents should be aware of dangers of leaving their children to child minders and babysitters because a lot of them abuse children. Secondly, if you allow your children the use of the Internet, you should be aware of what they do with it. The sites they visits, people they chat with, new friends they make and so on. Infact, it may actually be best if you keep the computer in an open place where you can easily monitor its use.

As parents, we need to prepare and train our children for the harsh realities of this abusive world. We should teach them how to relate with friendly strangers or strangers of any kind, we should also teach them what to do in case someone they know or do not know tries to take advantage of them when we are not present. Our children are to be taught the proper and improper usage of their body parts especially the private area. Here is a story that may drive this home;

I heard this story from a friend, who told me it happened in their neighbourhood. There was this widely respected elderly man who lived close by, he was known to love children and always play with all the small children in the area and the children loved him in return because he constantly dished out goodies to them at the end of play. Some parents are even known to send their children out to play with uncle when they are busy and did not want disturbance. One day her daughter came back from play and told her that uncle asked her to play with his snake but she told him that it is not a snake but a Pee Pee, and because she refused to touch it uncle did not give her any sweets. (Meanwhile she has always told her children about their body, telling them what the private parts were called.) She said she was shocked and had to call her husband to come home immediately so that they could investigate. On further interrogation, she found out that uncle has been abusing the children for ages. He will put on a big robe (Agbada) and asked the children to go under it to play with his snake while he fondles them in return and afterwards reward them with sweets. His luck ran out when he asked my friends daughter to play for the first time.

Lesson learned, teach your children what they need to know about their body, start from age 3 if possible and continue as they grow older, let them know what each of their body part is, the areas that no one can touch or play with. I think that was what helped to expose the old pervert. Don’t leave your children’s training to others, not to their teachers in school, not to your relatives, their peers or your neighbours. Make it your personal responsibility to teach your children all they need to know about sex. You never know who is perverted until found out, so don’t leave your children to child molesters; they could even be your close relatives.

Shalom!

The father’s love

The place of a father in the life of a child must never be empty because the love a father has for his children is unique as it helps the emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth of children. The role of a father in the life of a child is complex, aside his being the family head, he is seen primarily as a discipline dispenser in the home as most mothers tend to over pamper the children being that they are with them more than with their father.

A father’s ability or inabilities to be a good father to his children is solely dependent on his own his upbringing. If a drunken weakling who has no love for him brought him up, there is a tendency that when he has children of his own he may not love and care for them even though he is not a drunken weakling himself. Likewise, a man brought up by a rigid, no-nonsense father may tend to treat his children the same way.

Children who have their father’s love are prone to be physically, spiritually and emotionally stable as well as being confident in their ability to love others and mix easily with friends and family. A good father should always be ready with words of love, encouragement, praise and motivation for his children. He should show a personal interest in each of them and also let them know they have his approval. He should not be too critical and overly protective. Most of all, he should not neglect to discipline, children need discipline to grow up productive and responsible adults. Eph 6:4.

Shalom!

DO YOU REALLY APPRECIATE GOD?

Do you remember all his mercies?

O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth forever.

Psalms 118:29

The earth, O LORD, is full of thy mercy: teach me thy statutes. Psalms 119:64

Let them now that fear the LORD say, that his mercy endureth for ever Psalms 118:4

Let the house of Aaron now say, that his mercy endureth for ever Psalms 118:3

For thy mercy is great above the heavens: and thy truth reacheth unto the clouds.

Psalms 108:4

Do you remember all his Love?

Even the most unlovable person in the world is actually loved so much by God, remember that He let His Son die a terrible death in order to save the whole world. God does love you! He sees your pain and weeps with you. "He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to announce that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord's favor has come, and with it, the day of God's anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, and praise instead of despair. For the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory." (Isaiah 61:1-3).

Do you remember his plan for you?

In His compassion, God makes big plans for us. In His wisdom, He does not tell us what they are, Jeremiah 29:11 says it best. "I know the plans I have for you: plans for your welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope."

What about his Faithfulness?

Psalms 89:1b with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations?

Psalms 89:2b thy faithfulness shalt thou establish in the very heavens.

Learn to appreciate God at all times, in good times and bad times, Listen, What would the loss of your job or business do to you? What if your house were to go up in smoke tonight? What if a pain sent you to the doctor and led to the discovery that you have only a few weeks to live? These things really do happen to people, you know, but he has been faithful to you, shown you his unconditional love,bestow his mercies on you and he gave you the gift of life.

Be grateful for who you are, what you are and what you have always!

Shalom!

Are you a good parent?

Being a good parent is not by buying children expensive gifts, clothe items or by enrolling them in the best schools, but by spending time with them, giving them enough attention, teaching them all they will need to grow up as responsible adults who fear God. Being a good father or mother is easy; all a parent needs to do is spend more time with their kids even if they had to earn less money to create the time. Hug them as often as possible, have fun with them, always listen to their problems, talk with them about their day, tell them stories especially bible stories and teach them to pray often. When children are denied of their parents love and attention they will be miserable and empty in their hearts, that is why as soon as some enter into their teens they turn to friends for consolation, some turn to sex and others to drinks or some other vices to satisfy the emptiness within them. Create time to teach them all they need to know at the appropriate age. (Deut. 6:6-7).

Don’t neglect to discipline your children; Prov 23:13-14 - Do not withhold discipline from a child; even if you strike him with the rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will deliver him from death. Even though the bible approve of child discipline, don’t abuse it, never hit a child on the head, don’t shake a child, the best and safest place to beat a child is on the buttocks, and remember not too hard, a few small whacks to remind the child to obey you is enough.

There is a right time and a wrong time to discipline a child, when a child is deliberately disobey the parent by not doing what he was asked to do, for example; when you asked a child to take a dirty linen to the laundry or pack dirty dishes from the dinning to the kitchen and he chooses not to do it, then you can discipline the child that is deliberate disobedient. But when a child forget to do something he/she was supposed to do or the child made a mistake then you should not discipline such child. You can let the child know that he has done something wrong and correct him accordingly.

Learn to praise your children when they do something well, try to notice all the things they do well and praise them for it. Cultivate a habit of praising them more than you punish them.

A True life Story (Part 2)

When my mother died, my husband felt very sad. Our acquaintances in the U.S did not even know whose mother actually died. We had to come to Nigeria for the burial. But on the day of the burial, the most shocking thing happened. My mother-in-law was conspicuously absent. My friends and family could not believe it. Some people even said they sighted her in her shop early that morning, gorgeously dressed and attending to customers. They were therefore surprised that she did not show up at the burial. Later, a friend of mine, who my mother-in-law did not know, went to her shop and met her discussing with her very close friend. After listening to their discussion, she came home to tell me that I should be careful with my mother-in-law. She quoted her as saying that she did not come for my mother’s burial because she could not pretend to be saddened by her death. She was even quoted as saying that now that my mother was dead, my husband follows her to heaven and continues to make her his mother.

That statement meant so much to me, so two days later, I went to a pastor and complained to her. She prayed and revealed that my mother-in-law and some others in her group were responsible for my mother’s death. I would not have believed her, but for the fact that I had not said anything before she told me that. She went on to say that if I were not careful, I would soon die like my mother. She said the woman was very wicked and that she was ready to do anything to make sure that her son obeyed her only. I left the woman’s place, partially convinced that what she had said was true. But I decided to behave as if I never heard it since there was no way I could confirm it. But I was shocked when my elder sister also came and said the same thing. She said the circumstances that surrounded my mother’s death made an aunt of mine to go in search of spiritual help. She said my mother just shouted from her sleep that she had headache, and she died a few minutes later.

My sister said she was there with my aunt when the spiritualist told her that my mother-in-law was responsible for our mother’s death. I pretended as if I had never heard a similar story. I told God that since I was a Christian, He should never allow any evil to befall me in the course of fighting for my right. My sister advised me to divorce my husband since I had only two children for him. She said it was better for me to do so early so that I could find another husband in good time. But I was not ready to marry two husbands. I told her to only pray for me.

Although my husband saw his mother, I went back to the U.S. without seeing her. I made efforts to see her, but I could not. We had barely spent a month in the US when my husband said he was going to Europe. He said he would call me as soon as he got a line. But instead of Europe, he travelled to Lagos. I would not have known about it if a cousin of mine had not called me to say that she saw my husband and had thought that we came to Nigeria together before my younger sister told her that I was not around. When I heard that my husband was in Nigeria and not Europe, I knew something was fishing. So, I travelled secretly to Lagos. This time, I picked a cab from the airport and headed straight home, without even alerting my close friend who had brought me home the first time. When I got home, my husband was not there and everywhere was very quiet.

I did not even see the security man, so I made for my room upstairs. What I saw almost made me to faint. Unknown to me, my husband had come for the christening of a set of twins another woman had for him. This was apart from the one he threw a party for earlier. My mother-in-law was there, sitting with her on the bed and helping her to take care of one of the twins. That baby almost dropped from her hand when she looked up and saw that it was me. I did not know whether to faint or die outright. All that had happened was too much for me to bear. And I could no longer cry to my mother. The next thing my mother-in-law did was to put the baby on the bed and made to leave the room. I almost pulled her back forcibly when she reached the door, but for the grace of God.

I decided that I was not going to fight, but quietly drive my point home. So, I turned to Iya Ibeji (the mother of the twins) and told her that she should please leave my room and go to wherever she came from. But she also proved stubborn. She said she belonged there. I told her to look at the wedding pictures on the wall and look at me again, for her to know I am the legally married wife. She did so, hissed and started to pack her things. Although I was glad she did that, I told myself that if I were in her shoes, I would not have moved an inch.

She had a driver, so she called him and within 30 minutes, they were all out of the premises. Immediately they left, my mother-in-law came and started shouting at me. She said there was no way a woman would come to her son’s house to control him; that his son could marry as many wives as he wanted. I told her that she wanted to ruin his life like she ruined those of others. She grabbed me and said since I had started to abuse her; I should cap it with beating her up. It was her children that came and separated us.

My husband, knowing what had happened, refused to pick his calls or come home. I later learnt that he had gone with the woman to one of our houses in Lagos. When I complained to my sister, she said I should leave them alone so that they would not kill me. But I felt that if I did as my sister advised, it would amount to wasting all the efforts I have invested in my husband. I was not ready to let another woman have the last laugh. But when I started falling ill and my husband did not show his face still, I had to think twice.

One of our tenants called me and told me that I should seek spiritual help to my problem. She said my mother-in-law would make the house so hot for me that I would pack out in a hurry. She said I should allow her to do whatever she liked with her son instead of exposing myself to danger. Most of my friends have also been saying that the source of my husband’s sudden wealth is questionable and I should be careful with him. I have been back in the U.S for the past six months. I am torn between keeping my marriage by staying neck-deep in trouble and leaving my husband and enjoying peace. He has called to beg me, but he says he does not have the guts to face me, which is why he has not joined me in the U.S.

What should I do?

A True Life Story Part 1

This is an old post from my other blog, enjoy it!

My husband was the first man in my life and we loved each other dearly even before we got married. I come from a fairly rich family, so my father could afford to send me to the United States of America for further learning after my first degree. My husband finished from the same university I attended a year before me, and he was about rounding off his national youth service when I was leaving for the US. It was a tough decision for me to take because I was not sure I would still have him when I returned to Nigeria.

I finally made up my mind to go, but not until my people had agreed to a wedding date. I was to come back after four months for the wedding. We agreed that my father would arrange my husband’s trip to the US too, so that we would not stay apart, and that he did in a record time.

The wedding was a big one. His people had nothing, so we had to shoulder the responsibility of making it successful. I was responsible for everything his nuclear family used on that day, and they were grateful. After the wedding, we travelled together to the U.S. I waited till I had finished my master’s programme before I got pregnant. All through that time, my husband remained the calm and loving guy I had met and married. Then suddenly, God answered our prayers and everything changed for better. My husband met some of his schoolmates in the U.S and before I knew it, money started rolling in from everywhere.

I was happy, that at last, he was going to bail out his entire family from poverty. I also felt happy that I was instrumental to his breakthrough. He took very good care of my baby and me and also went home regularly to see his people. His job would not allow for him to just sit back in the U.S. He travelled a lot to England and other countries. I had another child for him two years after the first one, and I did not suspect that he had changed from the man that I knew. Three years after his status changed, a friend of mine called me and said I must take the next flight to Nigeria to see what my husband was doing behind my back. I did not take her serious at first. But when she said she would pay my fare to Nigeria, I knew she meant business.

She told me to come on a particular day, and said I must not let my husband or even my people know that I had plans to come to Nigeria. I took my children to a friend’s place so that I would be able to go to Nigeria as advised by my friend. She was at the airport the day I arrived Nigeria to take me straight to our house in Lagos. I asked her what the matter was. She said she had thought she should not tell me what it was until we got there, but on a second thought, she felt that if she did not, I could faint by the time I saw what was happening. She told me that they were having a naming ceremony in our house in Lagos and that my mother-in-law sold Ankara to her friends and hired a band.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I was dumbfounded. However, I promised my friend that I would just walk in like a guest and leave them to their conscience. But when I got there, I could not. I went straight into our bedroom and found the mother of the baby there changing her clothes in the presence of some of her friends. My friend was following me to prevent me from doing anything rash, but she was not close enough. I grabbed the woman and dragged her out of the room, cursing on top of my voice as I did so.

My husband came and started begging. He prostrated and said I should not put him to shame, but I told him that the U.S police would soon come after him. I demanded that he sent the woman and her people out of the house immediately. When he was not doing so, I ran to the kitchen and took a knife. Immediately, he sent them and the baby out. When the fight was over, I sat down on the bed and cried. My friend could not leave me alone because she did not know what could happen next. It was very difficult for me to bear such, but my husband was so remorseful that I did not know what to do. I had thought it was the end of our relationship but he begged that he did not know what went over him.

I was to spend only one week in Nigeria, so two days after that incident, I went to my parents’ house to let them know I was around and to tell my mother what happened despite the fact that my husband begged me not to. I felt that if I did not tell her, I would be doing myself more harm. She screamed when I told her what happened and told me to tell my husband to see her. My husband respected my parents very much, so he went to see her immediately. I was there also. My mother talked to him like her son and he started crying. He said he did not really understand how all that happened and that it was as if he was under a spell.

On that note, we both left for the U.S. All attempts to see my mother-in-law proved abortive. My friend said it could be that she could not face me after all that happened that day. When we got back to the US, my husband kept to his promise to be a good husband. He refused to see the woman again and only sent money for the upkeep of her baby. But his mother was not happy. She called him one day and started saying all sorts of things on the phone. She did not know that I was the one that had picked the receiver, so she started saying that he was not meant for one woman only, that he was going to marry the woman that bore him a son whether he liked it or not. She said she knew that my parents and I had charmed him and that before long, he would see her handiwork. She said any mother that did not want her to reap the fruit of her labour in respect of her son would die untimely. She said she knew that my husband had made my mother his mother, and that she would make sure that she corrected that.

That day, I just dropped the phone without letting her know that she had been talking to the wrong person. I wondered how the woman could change so much overnight. The same woman that almost cursed herself as she prayed for me the day my father got my husband a visa. The woman who promised to fight tooth and nail to make sure I reaped the fruit of my labour. I was crying when my husband came in. He asked what happened and I told him. He said she was just being a woman and that I should not mind her. But deep down in me, I knew I was in for real trouble.

Two months after that, we heard the shocking news that my beloved mother had died.

Conflict in Marriage.

Marital Conflict is a situation in which husband and wife are involved in serious disagreement or argument. A situation where both of them have contrasting ideas, opinions, feelings, or wishes which may result in violence. As it is common knowledge that no marriage is perfect, it is to be understood that sometimes a husband and wife may find themselves falling apart over certain issues which if not properly managed could turn the home into a battle field.

There are several reasons why conflict could arise between a husband and a wife; some are trivial while some are important. Whichever, it is always good for the parties concern to be honest about their own shortcomings. If both of you know the area in which each is personally lacking, when there is disagreement, one of you will be better able to deal with his/her own feelings whether negative or positive while trying to understand what the other person is about. This will give you a better angle to focus on the reason behind the conflict in order for you to be able to clarify the issue and facilitates quick resolution.

Major causes of Conflicts in Marriage.

Lack of  Submission: wives failure to submit to their husbands as biblically instructed can cause conflict in the home. It is crucial to note that where a woman fails to submit to the husband there is tendency that the relationship will lack peace and harmony. Ephe 5:22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

Lack of care and attention: couples are expected to give care and undivided attention to each other. Never neglect each other, make time out to be together.

Third Party Intrusion: conflict could arise when inlaws and other extended family members poke their noses into your family affairs; it is always better to keep your problems to yourself. Learn not to invite external parties into your conflict, because escalating the conflict could expose either of you to criticisms.

Lack of love or failure to love; most people find it relatively difficult to express love to one another, not just saying “I Love YOU” but showing it by doing things that express how much the other partner is loved. Some believe that showing love could put them at a disadvantage or that the other person may take being love for granted. Husband need to express love constantly to their wives because women want love and understanding, but only few men understand it. Ephe 5:25, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Secrets or hidden agenda; if both husband and wife have secrets not known to each other, it could cause one or either of them to do things that exclude the other thereby creating gaps in the union. When honesty and openness is lacking, there is bound to be conflict.

Extra marital affair: Both husband and wife should be contented with each, this is important to the growth of any marriage. Having relationships outside marriage can only bring deceit, distrust and will create a dent in the level of intimacy between the partners involved.

Sexual satisfaction; lack of sexual satisfaction could also cause conflict. Even though sex is not the most important factor in marriage, it is important for a healthy marriage. It is God’s intent that sexual intercourse bonds two people together for life in marriage; denial is therefore totally against the rules of marriage. God uses sexual intercourse, full sexual intimacy, to bring two married people together 1 Cor 7:3-5, A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife. Do not deprive each other, except by mutual agreement for a specified time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

Further Reading: Here and here

Polygamy Revisited.

Marriage was instituted in Paradise when man was in innocence Genesis 2:18-24; it is most evident from Gen 2:24 (Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh) that monogamy was the original law of marriage and not polygamy. This law was violated when corrupt usages began to be introduced Gen 4:19, (And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah and the name of the other Zillah). Polygamy was acknowledged in the Mosaic Law and made the basis of legislation, and continued to be practised all down through the period of Jewish histroy to the Captivity, after which there is no instance of it on record. The Law of Moses regulated but did not prohibit polygamy; a man might have many wives. Though King Saul had at least two wives (Ahinoam, Rizpah), Abraham had three wives (Sarah, Hagar, and Keturah), Moses had two wives (Zipporah and the Ethiopian woman), Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines and David had at least eight wives (Michal, Abigail, Ahinoam, Bathsheba, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Eglah) plus Saul’s wives, but that was not God’s standard, they allowed circumstances and situations to push them into polygamy knowing well that it was totally against the Law of God.

From the aforementioned, it is to be understood that God created man and woman in the Garden of Eden, not man and women. It is man and his wife that were naked, not man and his wives, girlfriends or concubines. Note that, a man shall cleave unto his wife so they can be one flesh, not that he shall cleave to wives. It is therefore a thing of pity to find that more and more women are going into polygamy for baseless reasons. There is no shortage of men as is the popular believe, some religion believe that by marrying many wives they are helping to reduce the number of women in need of marriage partners and that by so doing such women are prevented from committing sins of adultery and fornication. Marrying them also ensure that they are not prostituting themselves.

All in all, God frown on Polygamy, this is evident in the biblical definition of marriage as a physical and spiritual life-long covenant between a man and a woman before God and society. Contrary to the circular definition as polygamous, cohabitation, civil union, open marriage, serial monogamy and same sex marriage. All the above-mentioned worldly marriage is associated with consequences. A man married to more than one wife is surely digging his own grave because he will surely lack peace in his life and home. The women involved in such relationship will constantly undergo emotional turmoil.

Beware of polygamy, those in it has no good testimony, they always have a sad tale to tell.

Further Reading, Here.

Shalom!